Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Silence of the Pandas

The online presence of the Red Panda Cult may have been subdued for the past year or so but do not think we have forgotten about the crusade, in fact far from it. 2013 has seen the Cult double its membership numbers, whilst a trip this month provided my closest encounter yet to seeing them in the hallowed wilds. Ljubljana may not be the Himalayas but it is nearer than London.

Prior to this pilgrimmage, Port Lympne and Copenhagen provided more Sleepy Pandas, with one only hinting for a few moments that he or she may be of the Thirsty Panda variety. The year's inception then revealed a brand new subspecies, the Onesie Panda. Larger and more human-like than most pandas, it can be categorised by its asininity, insobriety and complainitive nature. As such, due to their inability to adapt these creatures are few in number and therefore most deserved of your kind donations.

With the Cult hastily progressing, official merchandise has become available. Not to be confused with the seldom seen Keyring Panda which cannot be found in captivity, for its needs are so specific a zoo cannot provide, the RPC fluffy keyring can now be purchased for only £14.99. All proceeds will also go towards keeping a dehydrated Onesie Panda well doused.

Although I could mention the brand new intergalactic panda shirt available for only £34.99, the long-term aim of which is to assist in spreading the word of pandas beyond planet earth, that is not why you have visited this page. That will be the reason for your next visit. Instead, I am delighted to inform you that the year has seen a true plethora of panda births throughout the world. Courtesy of our comrades at Zooborns, I am proud to present the highlights.

Unfortunately due to the ill-informed and selfish customs of the keepers of Paradise Wildlife Park, I was unable to obtain admittance to see their cubs upon any of my eighteen stops at the red panda enclosure during my July visit. After that distressing day where these babies were so near yet so far away, the parent pandas viciously fought off keepers' attempts to inspect their offspring. What the newspapers didn't state though, was that this was possibly a protest relating to the denial of meeting their leader and potential saviour. Or not, but that's what I'd like to think.

Most recently, Ljubljana Zoo proved its worth with an expansive enclosure and a chance to view a fabled Monorail Panda. Confusingly however, its energetic, even erratic mannerisms suggest that it was in fact a hybrid. With what I am unsure; this will be a subject that I spend much time investigating and researching strenuously. While this charismatic individual both enchanted and confounded, a Sleepy Panda rested peacefully atop a log.

So it goes, the quest for enlightenment continues. There are still many subspecies to be discovered and revered, and the revelation of hybrids ensures that I shall be studying long into the night in forthcoming weeks. Please check back soon if you would like news of this, otherwise send me your money.

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