Why Did The Red Panda Cross The Road?

A year on from my last intensive research session, little has changed in the world of red pandas. Still they are hunted for their fur, their tails used as good luck charms and their numbers continue to dwindle. Though predators such as snow leopards and martens provide the dangers in the wilderness, it is us humans who are forcing them to near extinction. In China, their population has halved in only fifty years.

 However, it is with great pleasure that I can confirm my findings of last year were no one-off. In addition to the household names such as Ronsil and Toy Pandas, there are various other new sub-species emerging across their Himalayan habitat. Whilst knowledge of these rare creatures remains at a premium, it has been hypothesized that this is a unique case of short-term evolution, giving these pandas the best possible to chance to survive against the overwhelming human onslaught. Here are eight of my latest discoveries.

 
Living in trios, Mime Pandas work in a similar fashion to their human counterparts. Here they can be seen performing the timeless glass pane routine, though scientists have yet to determine its precise purpose.

  Flying Panda can be seen here readying itself for vertical ascent. Though its legitimacy has been questioned, eyewitness reports have regaled various accounts of high speed, blurred red balls lighting up the Asian skies.

  These Charm Pandas are relatively great in number compared to their compatriots but have only one natural defence: Major, major cuteness.

  This here is Hypno Panda. Just stare into his eyes for thirty seconds, I dare you.

 
  Dancing Panda can be seen here getting its jig on to some Exodus era Bob Marley & The Wailers. Thus by shaking its thang, prospective predators are left dazed, confused and ultimately fruitless.

  Though this may look like two pandas snuggling in the snow, this is in fact the Siamese Panda. Tragic yet efficient, they make up for their slow speed by combining their brain power and out-witting potential tail bandits.

 

  Meerkat Pandas use only their hind legs for locomotion, and as the name suggests are the spotters of their conclaves. Upon glimpsing enemies, it emits high pitched squeaks to alert the rest of the group.

  At the merest hint of trouble, Monorail Panda will immediately find the nearest branch and slide its way to safety at velocities in excess of 25mph. There are fewer than fifty of these specimens in the wild.

Should you or any colleagues have any further information on these most special of animals, then please do not hesitate in contacting The RPC. The more data we can obtain, the better chance the likes of Monorail Panda will have in their ongoing arduous battle against extinction. Thank you.